My biggest challenge to date.

Anyone who says they love being pregnant must be a freak of nature, because my relationship with my pregnancy has been far from wonderful. Apart from the magical experience leading up to finding out I was pregnant from my previous blog, everything after that has been a real struggle.

In many ways, struggling with pregnancy is a taboo topic. Because the pain of infertility is so real and raw, it seems wildly insensitive to suggest that pregnancy is anything but a blessing. Not to mention carrying a baby feels like your first official job as a mum, and if you’re already not coping with the pregnancy, then you surely are going to fail when the baby comes earth side, right?!

Now don’t get me wrong, of course I’m extremely thankful to be having a child with my Husband, and we are definitely excited, but this whole pregnancy experience has to be my biggest challenge to date. I don’t want to come across as whiney and sooky, but writing out my feelings in my blog helps to clear my head… and maybe find other expecting mums who feel the same as I do.

First off, morning sickness needs to change it’s name to ‘all day and all night sickness’. From 4 weeks pregnant I experienced constant nausea, and for someone who HATES being sick and literally fears throwing up, this was quite the challenge for me. It was mentally and physically exhausting.

Going to work involved carrying a spew bucket around, and napping on my lunch break. Luckily for me I have a very understanding employer who lets me come and go as I need, especially on those days where I just can’t move out of bed.

My sickness also affected my social life. Leaving the house was incredibly difficult for me, and going to a cafe or restaurant was just pure torture with all the smells of food making me want to hurl. I even had to put a holt on my beloved weekly yoga classes, which in turn made me feel even worse.

Along with the all day sickness comes severe exhaustion, which see’s me in bed majority of the time. And I should also mention the restless legs, aching breasts, pounding headaches, dizziness, stomach cramps and twinges and don’t get me started on the weird and wacky dreams. Then there’s the stuff no one warns you about like your nipples changing size and colour, wierd bodily fluids, itchiness…everywhere, gassiness (my husband can attest to this), heartburn, and how about your brain just deciding to switch off, which leaves you doing some pretty stupid stuff like pouring your cereal onto a plate rather than in a bowl, or wondering why the front door won’t unlock with your car key.

Sleep?! What is sleep?! I don’t know why, but during the night I literally have to get up to pee atleast 4-5 times… Crazy! I suppose it’s a way of my body getting used to having broken sleep for when baby arrives. Mix that with weird dreams and restlessness, and you get a walking zombie during the AM.

My hormones are definitely all over the place, my poor husband! I cry at the drop of a hat, or if I have to eat broccoli… Yes, I sobbed like a two year old because I didn’t want to eat broccoli for dinner, when all I wanted was a pizza! I feel myself getting fired up over little things, or just overthinking and being irrational. I’m usually such a quiet and calm person, but I feel like there’s a bomb ticking inside of me and anything will set it off… ANYTHING!

I’m now 16 weeks pregnant, and I can see my body is changing so much. I find I stare at myself in the mirror naked after I shower, just studying how my body looks so different. My veins are bulging from carrying so much extra blood, my hips feel wider and the ‘bump’ that just sticks right out makes me feel like an alien. I just feel swollen and lumpy and I’m not even half way yet… I’m only going to get bigger! I never had the perfect supermodel body prior to getting pregnant, but I have always been quite lean and trim, so It’s hard to get used to seeing my body look different, especially when your favourite jeans dont go up past your thighs now! My usual clothes don’t fit me very well anymore, but I’m still too ‘small’ for Maternity clothes, so getting dressed is becoming a challenge these days. My skin feels dry and blotchy even though I smother myself in oils and moisturizer and the hormones are doing a great job on the pimples popping up all over my face! It’s really hard to feel good about yourself when all of a sudden you feel frumpy and spotty.

Another challenge of pregnancy is the ocean of unknowns. Everytime I have an ultrasound or scan I hold my breath, praying there will still be a heartbeat. I always get so anxious the days leading up to it. We are completely powerless! We can’t control the changes in our body, the sex of the baby, the health of our child, the time he or she will choose to arrive, the details of labor and delivery. It’s terrifying!

We announced our pregnancy to all our friends and family just a week ago, and already I wish I had waited a bit longer. I thought I was ready for the world to know, but I’m not. I know everyone is excited and they all mean well, but I literally cannot deal with all the baby talk, horrible birth stories people feel they need to share, and being asked a thousand questions like if I’m going to breastfeed, or what pram we’re buying. It’s all just too overwhelming and I don’t even have the answers to their questions yet!

My husband and I thought we would go have a look in Baby Bunting a couple of weeks ago (a baby one-stop-shop) to have a look at potentially buying a cot… WOW! I had never felt so out of my comfort zone! We were in and out of the store within 5 minutes, there was just SO much stuff, crying babies and children… I had to get out! We haven’t bought anything for the baby yet, nor even made a start on the nursery. There’s just so much to think about, so much money to be spent, where do you even start?!

I’ve seen many friends and family members go through pregnancy over the years, and they all made it look so wonderfully easy, and exciting! I never recalled hearing about their struggles, or never saw them looking drab, They all looked so good pregnant and happy, but yet I’m still waiting for my pregnancy ‘glow’ to arrive. When does the glow arrive? I want my glow!

Every person is different, so every pregnancy will be different, I understand that. I just never thought I would struggle as much as I am. I keep reassuring myself that it’s ok to not have it all together, I’m allowed to be scared, and I don’t have to have all the baby equipment in the house yet. I’m just taking each day as it comes with whatever challenges, thoughts or feelings that arise, after all this is a brand new experience and as much as it is hard, I want to try and enjoy it, look back on this and be proud of myself.

I’ve learnt that you have to take baby steps, trust that your body knows what it’s doing, and even though I feel overwhelmed, I can still do this! I’ve come this far already, and I’ve overcome my fear of blood tests, I’ve made it past the difficult first trimester, and my baby girl is as healthy as can be, that is all an accomplishment in itself.

I’d love any advice, or to hear if you’ve been on a similar path to me. xx

The Universe will always give you what you need.

I can not preach this any more than I do already. The Universe works in mysterious ways, and whether or not you are spiritually awakened to see her magic before your very own eyes, trust me when I say the Universe always has your back!

I have so many stories that I could share about the many different ways the Universe has worked her magic into my life, but there’s one story I really want to share with you today and that’s my pregnancy. Yes, you read it right, I’m pregnant!

In April 2017, I had just returned from an overseas adventure and went to see a clairvoyant to help clarify a few things going on in my life. Everything that came up in my reading has now come true. During my reading she picked up on my secret elopement marriage that was taking place in October, and also told me of two spirits hovering above me. The two spirits are my unborn children she advised. She told me all about their personalities, and what kind of people they will be. She mentioned that once my husband and I were ready to start a family that it would happen very quickly and easily because the spirits of my children are ready and waiting.

Once October rolled around and my now husband and I got married, I began to focus my thoughts and intentions on starting a family. I would pray, I started preparing my body with the right nutrition and vitamins and even began to create ‘space’ in my life by decluttering and removing things that no longer served me.

November arrived, and one evening I found myself sitting in a Yin Yoga class. During the last pose called Savasana, which is where you lay flat on your back with your eyes closed. This pose is basically like a form of meditation, where you tap into your unconcious thoughts in a semi-meditative state. The pose is held for around five minutes, so not enough time to fall asleep, but enough time to surrender and let your body sink into the ground. During savasana that evening, I had the most vivid dream. A dream that felt so real that tears fell from eyes. This dream just came to me, I didn’t think about it or plan on going there… It just happened!

In my dream, as I was laying on the floor, thick green leafy vines began to wrap themselves around my legs and arms, rooting me to the ground where I felt safe and held. From my stomach a stem started to form, and grew tall reaching for the sky. A huge, magnificent flower bloomed from the stem, and sitting inside the flower was the most beautiful, happy baby I had ever seen in my life. I had never felt so much love or emotion, it was so intense. Looking at this child brang tears to my closed eyes, I was inlove. The petals of the flower began to slowly close over and wrapped up the baby so delicately and safely. The stem then decended straight down into my stomach and the vines began to unravel themselves. In that moment, Savasana was over and it was end of class.

I knew it was a message for me, because I could feel it deep in my soul.

The days following my yoga class I had numerology signs showing up everywhere. 1111, 222 and 444, all indicating my prayers have been heard and everything is in place, that I’m on the right path, and the angels are by my side.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I know there would be people who would read this and think I’m delusional or just don’t believe in anything spiritual. But for me, this has been the most magical and incredible thing I’ve ever experienced and my faith has only grown stronger. Being spiritually awakened means you are more intune with your life, soul, spirit and the universe which allows you to see and understand the wonderful plan that’s in place for you.

The universe has a plan for everyone, it’s just up to you whether you choose to tap into that energy, let go of control, surrender and just be guided. Nothing will change if you’re gripping on so tight and want to be in control of every situation, it’s not how it works.

All in all, My husband and I are very excited to meet our daughter in August this year.

I’d love to hear your story or experience of the universe delivering abundance in your life. Leave your comments below.

XX Jes

Please, Stop asking if I’m pregnant.

This entry is a little off topic to my general posts, but I really feel like I have to put this out there! I think the New Moon in Scorpio is still affecting me with just saying things how it is.

My husband and I got married 8 weeks ago now, and you’d be surprised by the comments I have received in that time about pregnancy and babies.

(Photo: My Husband and I on our wedding day)

“You only got married because you’re pregnant, aren’t you?” Or “You don’t need to say anything, I know you’re pregnant”

*face palm*

I’m sorry to disappoint you all, but you’ve got it all wrong!

Is this just a given these days? You’re expected to have a child immediately after you’re married? Or the reason behind getting married is because you’re already pregnant? I’m not sure If they’re being rude or they’re just too excited for us to have a baby.

A couple’s choice to have a child is a very personal and private thing. You don’t know if we can’t conceive, been having difficulties for years or maybe we just don’t want to have children right now? Whatever our situation, it makes me feel so uncomfortable when I’m asked, and I’m sure there are many other woman who feel the same as I do.

Literally this week alone I’ve had the question put on me by family members and messages from friends on Facebook Congratulating me on my pregnancy because they can tell I’m pregnant from my photos I’ve posted!

Um what?!

I’m sorry if you think you’re seeing a baby bump there, but sometimes girls just get bloated or more times than likely my eyes are bigger than my stomach and I’ve just eaten way too much!

I constantly feel like everyone is looking at my stomach for that baby bump, watching my every move to see if I’m having a wine with my dinner or passing on the deli meats & soft cheeses.

Then there’s the age thing… I’ll be 30 in 5 months and how could I possibly forget that my fertility clock is ticking because I’m reminded ALL the time by family, friends and even strangers!

And don’t get me started on the pressure of grandchildren…

My Niece and I.

(Photo: My Niece and I)

Please keep in mind your seemingly innocent question might cause someone grief, pain, stress or frustration. Sure, for some people those questions may not cause any fraught feelings — but I can tell you, from my own experiences and hearing about many friends’ experiences — it more than likely does.

I think people just need to take a step back, mind their own business and not have expectations or assumptions of when a couple are conceiving. When the time is right, it will be announced. If you’re eager to know, then you’ll just have to wait patiently.

I promise, if or when we are we’ll tell you—when we’re ready.

Xx Jes

Everything has changed & yet, I am more me than i’ve ever been.

‘Everything has changed, & yet I am more me than I have ever been’

I saw this quote recently on Instagram and instantly connected with it…who knew it would become my inspiration for my first blog post…

Now bear with me, I did go on a bit of a keyboard rampage with this entry, so make yourself a cuppa and settle in because this may get a bit tedious…

12 months ago my life was changing direction, and it was completely out of my control. There was a higher calling for me and the universe was redirecting my path, I just didn’t know it at the time….

Exactly 1 year ago today I was in Sydney, standing on stage as Miss Australia International 2016, giving my farewell speech and ready to hand my crown over to my 2017 successor…

I have been heavily involved in pageantry for most of my 20’s, I dedicated my life to competing, volunteerism and advocating for various community groups and charity organizations… it totally consumed me, I lived and breathed it.


At that point in my life, it was what I did best and it gave me purpose. Pageantry gave this once shy girl a boost of confidence and a voice to be heard! Throughout my pageantry career I was fortunate enough to hold two Australian National titles, Miss Galaxy Australia 2014 and Miss Australia International 2016 along with competing in National finals of other systems such as Miss World and Miss Humanity. I was flown interstate and overseas numerous times with my duties, and got to assist many charity organisations. It was truly a crazy and incredible experience.

In this kind of environment you need to be confident, but not cocky. You’re also a brand ambassador for various hair & beauty products etc, so this means posting selfies and photos on social media every day promoting these products which can come off as a little self-obsessed in my opinion… I always tried my best to stay as grounded as possible and not let things go to my head. It was a very fast paced, ego boosting industry to be in.

During this point in time I had a full-time job, and I was also running two pageant systems… one which I ran as a business on an international level where I travelled to the UK yearly, and the other was a small pageant in my community which was part of our annual community festival which I gave my time on a voluntary basis. (How did I do it? I have no idea, but I did it)


Toward the end of my last reign as a title holder, I began to feel like I was slowly falling apart. It was almost like I was shedding my skin like a snake. I found myself becoming more stressed, I was constantly emotional, and I started to feel the weight of the crown and my duties. I didn’t know what was happening to me because I always kept myself together, I always just handled everything, putting on a smile even though I was highly stressed out… something was happening to me and I couldn’t explain what or why.

Once my title was passed over, and I was back home in Melbourne, everything began to change… and it was out of my control. The universe stepped in and it took away everything pageant related from my life, whether I liked it or not.

The pageant system I ran, their international head office closed down and my Australian franchise foreclosed, and the community pageant I ran was sabotaged by a colleague and I was voted off the board. Both completely out of my control. This all happened within 3 months of each other. It was a really stressful and emotional time and life as I knew it for so long, was done!

I was lost! For years I had been moulded and shaped into a ‘perfect’ Jesica. Don’t get me wrong, I was always my true self and everything I did was authentic and from the heart, but I had to refine myself, always putting my best foot forward, always ensuring my image was clean and professional and it sometimes meant doing things I didn’t necessarily want to do, but this was my job and I had to work for it.


I don’t regret any of those years, infact they were some of the best years of my life, and I experienced so much. At that point in time, I was meant to do that, but now it’s no longer for me.

Now, you might be thinking I’m making a big deal out of nothing, but pageantry was my everything, and when your everything is taken away from you, you have nothing left. The feeling of emptiness, failure, and defeat quickly overcomes you when you’re in this position. I had been living and breathing this for years, it was my identity…

So now that everything pageantry related was finished and gone, who was I without it? What did Jesica like doing in her free time (free time… what was that, I never had that…) it was so overwhelming and confusing that I fell into a black hole. I shut everyone and everything out for months, including my closest friends! This was rock bottom for me. I just didn’t care about anything anymore, I had no motivation and i felt really isolated and alone. One day I woke up and I decided I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, so I went to see my doctor. It was the best thing I did! She listened to me, and we discussed what I could do to help get back on track. (FYI I’m so proud of myself for asking for help when I needed it)

After spending a number of weeks on my own, pondering about my life journey and what was next for me, I started doing more of what I loved. I started going to my yoga classes more frequently, and I learnt how to meditate which really helped me with my anxiety and just reconnecting with myself.


Life was slowing down and I started being more mindful about the things I was doing. Cooking and cleaning became my meditation rather than a chore, and slow mornings in bed with a cuppa became the normal, rather than a luxury. It took me a good 6 months to get to this point, so it didn’t quite happen overnight.

I started decluttering my home, throwing away clothes and possessions I didn’t really need anymore, especially everything pageantry related. I began reading more and learning about crystal healing, and getting intouch with my spirituality, changing my diet to a more plant based way of living, and spending more time out with Mother Nature.

It’s amazing how much life changes when you really slow down and go back to basics. I have discovered that in these practices of intentionally devoting time to create sacredness and tranquillity in my environment, I am so much more happier and at peace.

I’ve learnt to rest and nurture my mind, body and soul, forgetting about materialistic things and people that do not serve a purpose to my life, and listening to the Universe and Mother Nature. For the first time in my life I actually feel free, grounded and more connected all at the same time.


Doors closed so new ones could open, and my recent marriage is proof of that. My now husband and I have been together for 10 years (we got married on our ten year anniversary) and throughout our relationship we had never really thought of getting married, more so my husband didn’t really believe in the sacredness of marriage, so we decided we were just never going to get married… It’s funny how once the doors closed on my old life, the doors to holy matrimony opened!

Life now is completely different, I am so much more at peace with myself… I could go on and on about the different ways my life has changed, but what matters most is that I’m happier than I’ve ever been.


I’ve had friends drop off over the last year because they couldn’t handle my change… apparently I’m weird now (their words, not mine) or pageant friends who now want nothing to do with me because I no longer hold any value to them… but you know what, as much as it disheartens me, I’m totally ok with it!

My heart and my lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and as we get older we all change anyway! Life happens, relationships fizzle out, we change our hair style, we go from being meat eaters to vegans… everyone at some point in their lives will change. So when people criticize you of changing, they really need to have a good look within themselves. I have changed in so many ways, but I’m still me, I’m just a better version…And I like her! ✌🏻

I suppose the message in this blog post is to say that if you’re feeling like you’re coming to a fork in the road with a career, relationship or just life in general, don’t be afraid. Have faith and let go of what is no longer serving you, because once you close the door, it leaves space for new and incredible things. You just need to be open to believing it. Sooner or later the Universe will step in and make it happen anyway.

The universe always has your back, and it will always guide you to where you need to be. It will always show you, you just need to look for the signs.

Xx Jes

Ps. If life is overwhelming you and you’re not sure where to turn, I encourage you to go and have a chat with your local doc, they will gladly listen to how you’re feeling without judgement, and can advise you on what steps you need to take to get you back on your feet again. There’s so much to live for!